By continuing you are agreeing to the Aging Uniquely Health and Legal Disclaimer at the bottom of the page.
Affiliate Disclosure: I may earn a small commission from some of the links below at NO extra cost to you. This helps me keep Aging Uniquely up and running so I can continue to be a valuable guide to my readers. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
As if moving or deciding where to retire was not challenging enough, moving both parents or moving as a couple comes with additional challenges.
Below are some possible challenges along with considerations and solutions. Obviously everyone is unique and every situation is unique and therefore, taking into account personal factors is very important to ensure you make the situation better and not worse. Below are just possibilities, but make sure the approach fits the situation appropriately.
Table of Contents
Different Priorities
Although many couples have been making compromises throughout their life, some couples have been in the same living environment for a very long time and compromising on a retirement move could prove to be very testing. One person may of dreamed living by the beach and the other wanted to be in a very social retirement community regardless of location. Hopefully, there will be a social retirement community on the beach that’s within the budget. However, the couple may also need to get creative.
Considerations:
- Actual cost of the compromise (a couple could have a beach house and live in a retirement community, but that may be expensive).
- Thinking about the future as well as the present. At times one couple is only considering the future and long term, while the other person is just thinking about immediate circumstances. Both sides need to be heard and a balance must be struck. That has probably what made the couple a good team and successful throughout life, so the couple should be reminded of the importance of balancing each other.
Solutions:
- Having more than 1 retirement location to appease both parties.
- Choosing 1 location, but ensuring the other person’s needs are met. Like living in a retirement center, but booking a stay at the beach every other month. Or living by the beach and going out to socialize every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Be creative!
- Go beyond the partnership and fulfill needs with other relationships , such as friends and family. If one person wants a quiet life and no longer wants to travel or be social, family and friends can help engage the more social, adventurous person. I recently had a resident tell me all the wonderful places she visited (Japan , Egypt, Switzerland) with her granddaughter as her husband didn’t want to travel anymore. She had the opportunity to make priceless memories with her granddaughter and her husband didn’t feel obligated to do things he didn’t enjoy.
Different Levels of Care
As people age, their medical and self-care needs may vary from each other. One may experience a physical decline, while retraining their mental faculties. Others may be physically well, but experiencing dementia or cognitive difficulties. One may also be physically and mentally well during their older adulthood. Couples are rarely in the same relative health. This could lead to one person requiring assistance in the home or assisted living, while the other person is able to live independently.
Considerations:
- Must the couple live together or are they willing and have the financial means to live in 2 separate places?
- Are their home modifications and /or caregiver assistance that could help someone age in place?
- Is one person able to help their significant other? More commonly, one person is unsafe or unable to care for their significant other leading to suffering mental health and physical injury. If aging parents are living together, be sure to speak with each one separately to ensure one is not experiencing caregiver stress and that both people are not unsafe.
Solutions:
- Separate Living: After many years working in CCRCs, I have witnessed many different needs among couples. I have seen a husband in independent living come to visit his wife in the memory care unit, a husband in the memory care unit being visited by his wife that lives in their old house and one partner in assisted living, while their significant other continued to live in a house and work. Two separate living situations is actually the best solutions for some couples.
- Hired Assistance: To minimize the risk of caregiver stress and injury when one person is caring for their significant other, consider hiring a caregiver to assist. Also make sure the home is modified to maximize safety and minimize the demands on the caregiver.
- Consult the primary care physician, home health nurses and therapist to determine if anything can be done to improve the person’s status.
- Consider a “Senior Center” or “Adult Daycare.” While I do not endorse that name, they do offer services that engage adults and give caregivers a break. There are certainly some wonderful facilities that are worth looking into if only one person requires additional assistance during the day.
Amount of Belongings
As people age, they may seek to downsize, especially if choosing to live in a retirement center where the apartments are much smaller than a single family home.
Considerations:
- Is there any type of storage available? This can be useful in the short term when deciding what to keep and what they would like to give away. However, it really isn’t a great solution because storage can be expensive, it just prologs the downsizing process and it is difficulty for one to remember what they actually have and to get into the storage unit.
- Is one person more of a hoarder and the other a minimalist? How did they compromise previously?
Solutions:
- I do think a mind shift change from accumulating items to giving items to family or charity as a legacy can be helpful.
- Additionally, using modified motivational interviewing techniques can make progress with downsizing. Motivational interviewing is basically asking questions to help someone come to their own conclusions to facilitate internal motivation and changes in their behaviors. It is a technique that is different from just telling someone what to do.
For example: Loved one (LO) does not want to part with 2 cast iron skillets, even though your LO has 3 cast iron skillets and is moving to assisted living where meals are served.
You: Why do you need 3 cast iron skillets?
LO: I cook chicken in one, vegetables in one and bake in the other one.
You: Do you think you will need to cook that much if you are going to the dining room 2 meals a day?
LO: May say no and give up 2 skillets or may state they are very well seasoned and they do not want to give them up (proceed).
You: You know Billy (grandchild) would probably really appreciate a cast iron skillet (this isn’t motivation interviewing, but tapping into motivating factors).
LO: May agree to give Billy a cast iron skillet or may say I will think about it (proceed).
You: Do you think it will be difficult to move everything and find a place for everything comfortable in the new place?
LO: May agree or say they can fit every thign (even though they comfortably cannot).
You: So you have 4 cabinets and you are going to put these items in one, these items in cabinet 2, etc. to get them to a realization of the limited space (it also helps to brainstorm when in the apartment)
Stay tuned for our upcoming Podcast series that will include an expert in helping seniors downsize!
Different Financial Outlooks and Life Expectancies
One person may have a live in the moment or short term perspective, while the other person may want to be very financially stable long-term. This may also vary with each person’s perceived life expectancy.
Considerations:
- Does the couple have differing view points regarding spending money now to enjoy life or save money for future needs and to leave to family, charity, etc?
- Is one person expected to significantly outlive the other? No one knows what will happen, but there mere perception of life expectancy of oneself and their significant other can influence decisions, so it is important to understand this.
- If the couple has been together for a long time and successfully navigated differences in financial outlooks; remind them of how compromise was beneficial.
Solutions:
- In situations where perceived life expectancy is influencing a spend now versus dave for later approach: remind each person of the other’s quality of life. For example, if Amit passes early than Babette, Amit must think of Babette being taken care of after his passing and Babette must realize that Amit also wants to make the most out of his life. Bringing awareness to this can create a more empathetic compromise and may reduce guilty feelings later in life.
- Make a plan, maybe with a financial planner. It is difficult to see the whole picture and account for all expenses long term by yourself if this isn’t your profession. This may help clarify disposable income and help create a budget for leisure pursuits.
- Look for low cost options for leisure pursuits. There are several senior discounts, free days and off season deals. Be creative!
- Think of ways to decrease expenses overall. Think of creative living options, downsizing, decreasing to 1 car or no car and renting one as needed. Also see: 12 Alternative and Creative Living Options for Aging Adults.
Family Dynamics
Some families are lucky enough to be “on the same page” and have the same outlooks on their aging parents. However, disagreement among family members are not uncommon unfortunately. From personal experience, adult children from combined families where each aging parent has different needs can certainly be at odds.
Considerations:
- Be proactive! Have discussions about what the aging adults want, so that families can more effectively carry out those wishes. Start early and revisit these subjects often. Maybe even schedule family meetings at regular intervals. My family has done something similar for my grandmother and it has been very effective! See 3 Ways to improve Communication and Relationships.
- Take an empathetic and active listening approach. Although some people may have ulterior motives, most disagreements stem from believing that a different approach actually is best for their older family member. Actively listen, ask questions and compromise! Do not make decisions without your parent or older loved one if they are mentally capable. Even if someone has memory impairments, had a stroke or is in ill health, still consult them and include them. Many people will still have an opinion and their life wishes should be respected like all other beings. Of course, guidance and creativity from support systems is needed when the older adult chooses very unsafe options or financially unrealistic options. Again, many of my former patients have been unhappy as they feel their kids just put them in there (the retirement center) and they had no choice. Inclusion makes people more receptive because they feel they have had a choice or say in the matter.
- Consult professionals. If the family is unsure of what level of care someone needs or the best retirement facility to choose. Consult therapists, social workers and senior advisors. For example, an occupational therapist can screen for cognitive levels to give insight to how much assistance someone needs from caregivers and give insights on safe versus unsafe living situations. Although, they can never make the decision for you, third party input can sometimes bring the group to a more smooth compromise.
Moving, especially moving as a couple later in life, comes with a unique set of challenges. Remember to include the older adult, actively listen to all parties, be creative and compromise!
Aging Uniquely wishes you the best in moving as a couple for ideal retirement. Feel free to leave comments and ask additional questions on here, social media or through email. We are here to help guide you and your loved ones!
Subscribe to our blog below so you never miss important information on Aging Uniquely!
Aging Uniquely Health and Legal Disclaimer:
By continuing with this site, you are agreeing that you acknowledge and understand this disclaimer in full and will not hold Aging Uniquely, parent companies or content creators liable for the information or use of information on this site because everyone ages uniquely and has unique needs. The content on Aging Uniquely sites is for general information purposes only and Aging Uniquely does not provide medical or health advice. It is not a substitute for medical or health professional advice and you should never ignore professional medical advice or delay seeking emergency care because of something you read on the Aging Uniquely website or social media platforms. If you are experiencing a medical emergency call 911 or seek emergency services. Aging Uniquely is not responsible for what may happen if you use their information in place of medical or professional advice. You are responsible for your own health and safety or how you apply this advice to adults/older adults you support. I highly recommend you consult the proper qualified medical or health profession before implementing any information from Aging Uniquely or other health related websites.